Post Turkey

Officially in the Holiday season-no, fuck that- CHRISTMAS SEASON. Also known as when people get chubs because of all the treats. What makes it worse, at least for me, is that its also unofficial high school reunion season. In my town A LOT of people come home, we bread townies like no other. While I have come to terms with my townie-ness I’d like to at least be a hot townie, which is a challenge since I can barely afford the gym membership I have and never use.  So, obviously I’m thinking of alternative way to GET FIT (sorry I just feel like that needs to be shouted, sort of like my Freshman year roommates name).  First idea: extreme Christmas decorating-it sounds silly, I know, but totally doable in a house full of Christmas freaks. I’m sweating just thinking about all the trees and mantel and banister decorations. I am still working on other ideas but here is a really helpful workout video. I do it with cats.

This is how I still feel about lobsters....

I am from Boston and I have only ever consumed lobster already out of the shell. I can't help it, I am one of those people that names them.

Quickie Quip

I saw an article in Health magazine on how to have a quickie. Let me summarize for you:

1.     Do Some Smooching

2.     Keep Your Clothes On

3.     Change the Venue

4.     Think NC-17 Thoughts

5.     Narrate the Action

Those are the actual subheadings in the article. Now, for number one, of course I’m gonna smooch. Foreplay might not be necessary for guys, but hello…it just won’t be pleasant for the lady if she isn’t turned on. Unfortunately, this is something a lot of guys seem to be oblivious to. I think changing the venue is the nature of quickies. I am more concerned with the narration and NC-17 thoughts. I should think your mind is already in the gutter if your about to have a role in the hay, and if you’re about to fantasize about something other than what your doing-there are bigger issues you should address. Narration (i.e. dirty talk) is subjective. I get the whole point of these tips is to make it more passionate more quickly, but I think maybe choosing some, not all, I can’t imagine choosing exhibitionist venue-like an office maintenance closet- go well with loud narration. Just sayin’.

I think being physically fit would be far more beneficial, especially if your resorting to sexual encounters in inopportune places requiring contortionist-like skills and freakish strength.  Now, that might sound unlikely, but your really not going to be prepared, you can’t do a bazillion crunches like you might before the date you expect to sleep with someone for the first time. I suggest doing yoga, and working on your triceps and your thighs. Now, this could vary because I already have freakishly strong shoulders. But ladies, I guarantee you’ll need to either be on top (thus the legs) or hold on to something (thus the arms). You all know what yoga is…but here is are two tricep workouts – from health.msn.com. If you don’t know how to do squats or run up and down stairs to work on your legs, cut off your legs.